To the idiots driving in this city:
Hello! Do you see me? I am really hard to miss. Can you please refrain from scaring the poo outta me in parking lots by FLYING up on me in your car? I have 2 kids with me for Gods sake- and I am in a CROSSWALK!!! I am so sorry you have to pause for 20 seconds to let me pass, really I am. But if you come even CLOSE to hitting me or my babies, IMA MESS YOU UP.
To the inventor of Listerene:
OW!!! WTF!!!! Nuff said.
To anyone I pass in the store and smile at:
If you don't smile back at me, you are an ass. Seriously. I am taking the time to smile and nod at you, say hello, etc...with 2 kiddos in tow. The least you can do is smile back. Fake it for goodness sake, but don't be an asshole.
To the skinny chick in Dillards dressing room:
I don't want to be you, and I don't envy you your body or youth. I know that preening in front of the 3 way mirror in your size 2 dress and looking at me smugly must make you feel good about yourself, but honey, I am to old and too tired to worry about your need to be superior. So move outta my way or I'll sit on your skinny butt.
To the damn idiot working in the Wal-Mart deli:
I asked for it sliced THIN. THIN!!! Don't gawk at me through your glasses and pretend you didn't hear me or are incapable of understanding what I mean. This is not an extraordinary request. Now just do it, already! You work in a deli, you slice meat. There's nothing wrong with that. Have some damn pride in your work.
To the inventor of the cell phone:
I hate you. Is it necessary that I be able to be found ALL THE TIME? You say that it is, and since I have a cell phone, people assume I agree. I don't.
To the whole building/ construction industry:
Why can you give a date and have that BE THE DATE? Why? Huh? I can't find my kids in this tower of boxes over here. You finish the house friday, but we cant close til MONDAY!!! This is torture!!!! Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
To my husband:
I have packed EVERY SINGLE BOX in this house by myself. I WILL NOT forget this. And neither will you, come Christmas-time. Right, sweetie?
I think that's it for now. Have a happy day.
