Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Bitterness of the Sweet

I have had a long love affair with sugar.


Epic, if you will.

Sugar is tangled up with alot of other less than sweet things in my past. It was, and still is a total comfort to me. A crutch.

Not to sound cliche, but I eat my pain. I cover things up with food. The sweeter and starchier the better. Had a bad day= eat some chocolate. Riding the mothership to PMSPlanet= M&M's and soda. Anything really. Any excuse.

And I hate this about myself. I am weak. And my weakness is food. It is my drug of choice, and always has been.

I was a chunky kid, and I never truly leaned out like most people do. Did that have to do with the steady stream of candy and ice cream? Heck yes.

Add to all that a childhood filled to the brim with chaos and stress and you got... well, me. Overcompensating with food. Dealing with a huge amount of belly fat that no amount of exercise diminishes.

I eat healthy, I exercise, and I do very well for a few weeks. And then I fall off the wagon into a pile of jellybeans and dat's it. Back on the sugar and back on the pounds.

I don't know why this is important today, but it just is. I need help to break this cycle, but damned if I know how. It's not as simple as saying "Don't eat sugar." If it was, I would be 90 lbs. It's way more tangled and complex. And I can't explain it.

I don't want to be thin. Truly, I don't. I just want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want to live to 100 years old to annoy my children. And I can't be who I want to be when I have this addiction.

And I don't really have a point. Or maybe I do- I need help! I need suggestions and ideas and prayer. I need to know I am not alone in this- is anyone else struggling? Because I feel alone in this- and I feel really weak.

So friends....anyone? Anything? Beuler? Beuler?