Monday, April 4, 2011

The love is worth it

Last week I got flowers. They were closed tightly when they came, their beautiful blooms hidden. They sat straight and rigid in their vase, waiting.

Waiting for what? For the warmth, the sun, the air to be right. For all of the universe to align itself in a way that would allow them to open and see the sun. Waiting to turn their beautiful faces to the light and bask in knowing they had fufilled their purpose. Waiting to be everything they were created to be.

That's where I am now. In the spot between cowering and covering and unfurling and opening. In that place where I love and am loved. Where I no longer guard my words or hide who I am.

In this space, I am open. I am free. And I am here.

I know this is not an epiphany for many. I know some people who have been open since birth. They have never hidden or kept quiet when they longed to speak. Oh how I used to envy that.

But right now, dear friends....right now I am there. In the place where I feel more myself than I ever have. When I show myself to others.

I am afraid, still, to love. I am afraid to say everything that comes to my lips for fear of being laughed at or mocked. But I do it anyway. And do you want to know why? Because this is the person God created me to be. For better or worse, I am this.

One who loves way too much. One who cares way too much. One who goes father and does more for others than is healthy. The one who is vulnerable and says "I love you." The one who cares so much for others pain it becomes my own.

I used to hold that part of myself off. I was so afraid to be hurt. But now I know, hurting is the price you sometimes pay for love. There will always be hurt. But there can always be forgiveness and compassion and a deeper connection from the pain.

I was made to feel everything. It may be healthier to repress that, but would I be honoring the heart God gave me?

I was with a bunch of girlfriends not too long ago. I was in the middle of conversation when God spoke in my heart. "Stop. Just stop and look around you."

And I did. And I saw a life I never would have known before God unfurled my heart like a flower. Before I allowed it and welcomed it. Before who I was was buried under hurt and fear.

And now it is here. I am, in this very moment in life, all that I am meant to be.

And I it has nothing to do with a dress size, a bank account, the car I drive or the house I live in.

It is in whom God created me to be, and in me being obedient enough to honor it. To love and take the risk of being hurt. To give with open hands of everything I have. To leave selfishness behind.

I may be hurt because I love so much. I may be taken advantage of. And I may be crushed with rejection and sadness. But in the end, the love is worth it.

The love is worth it.