Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ordinary is not enough.

My husband used to think I was great. He used to look at me like there was nobody else in the world. He thought I was smart and funny. He found me sexy and alluring. I was a surprise to him- my opinions and words were different than what he grew up with.

Likewise, to say I adored him would be putting it mildly. I still do. I have honsetly never met a better man than my husband.

But we have been together 10 years. We have been married for nearly 6 of those years, and parents for 4.

When we talk now, it is of ordinary things. The kids. Meals. Daily life.

We love each other. But like in all realtionships at times, we take each other for granted.

And I miss it. I miss the look in his eyes when I would walk into a room. The way he would talk to me and listen to me. The way I felt as if nobody else on this earth was as important as I am to him.

Life intrudes on the most passionate of loves. Children. Bills. Jobs. It becomes a wedge it is hard to see each other around. It's normal.

But normal sometimes can be heartbreaking. Normal can make me really really...sad. And today I am sad.

I miss him.

I don't miss my husband. I miss my love. My friend. The one who shared all of my dreams. The one who looked into my eyes and saw ME, not the mother of his children. Not his wife. ME. The one he feel so deeply in love with.

The one he thought was smart enough to listen to. The one he thought was talented enough to do anything. The one he looked at like I hung the moon. ME.

I am sure he feels the same way. I am sure I have made him feel expendable in my drive to be the perfect mother. I have left him behind. I know this. And it breaks my heart.

I want more than ordinary. I want more that stable. I want more than good. I want a love that never ends. A love that is more than this house and these children and this life. Love that is above all of it.

I want him. The one I fell in love with. My dear dear friend. My confidante. My love.

He isn't lost. I know he is there still. And I know all of this is natural. A natural ebb and flow that happens when there are other things that have to be focused on.

But today, sitting here watching the rain and knowing he is getting on a plane and flying far away, I feel alone. This house feels empty. My heart feels empty too.

I don't want ordinary love. I want the miracle I felt the moment I laid eyes on my Mark. The absolute joy and terror that I felt when I felt my heart open further than I ever had before, knowing God had set him in my path. I want that, again.

I know it will come back. I have faith in the God who brought us together. I have faith in my sweet and loving husband. And I have faith in myself to recognize how badly I need him and how far I will go to make sure our love grows and changes with our life.

But right now, today, I am missing what we used to be.