Thursday, March 3, 2011

One Breath

On Tuesday morning, in the bright March sun with the warm breezes blowing in his face, my son stopped breathing. In the least dangerous of places, in the most mundane situation. While being loaded into the car from the shopping cart. He coughed, vomited, drew a HUGE breath...and turned blue.

It happened in seconds. It lasted forever. ForEVER.

He was looking at me, was in my arms. His face was purple, and then it got pale, and his little arms which had been pinwheeling and his feet that had been kicking slowed. His lips were blue.

I knew I was looking into death. That even in my arms, he could be taken. Even when I was holding him. Even then, with his mama holding could have been over.

I didn't panic. My entire world shifted into just keeping him here with me. I gave him a hard back blow, and just like that, he coughed and began screaming.

We are all just a breath away from peril. One breath.

I was one breath away from my world being entirely different. A different life. A life where that precious boy might not be here. the midst of looking into Sam's face, I found myself surrounded. I was held on every SINGLE side. Hemmed in. I was circled. The wind stopped. All there was was me, my boy...and a thousand angels. If I had looked up I know I would have seen them. I could FEEL them. Warmth like the sun, calm like the womb. As real as my own hands. They were present.

I was on the precipice of a great fall. A fall that would have killed my soul. And even in that dark moment, I was not alone. Sam was not alone. He was held with hands other than my own.

I cannot tell you the comfort I have taken from that one second. In the days since, in the breathing treatments and sickness and medications, I have felt the same calm. I have walked away from my son's crib, and left him sleeping, knowing he is not alone. I have whispered into the darkness of his room, spoken my thanks. I have felt them, again and again, telling me to rest easy. To be comforted.

I have had many moments on this earth that convicted me of God's love. I have looked into the face of heaven when I saw my children for the first time. I have known God, loved Him. But in the moment between life and death, I felt a deep onrush of His presence. I felt His intercession.

Between that one breath and the other, I have been changed forever.