Saturday, March 5, 2011


I spend alot of my time feeling guilty. Do I spend enough time with my kids? Am I teaching them to love? Did I raise my voice to often today? Did they go to bed knowing I love them? Did I finish the laundry and mop the floors? Is the house spotless?

Guilt follows me like a puppy. A bad puppy that constantly nips at me.

Some days I've got it all together. Everything gets done. But I realize at the end of the day, I have not sat down and played with my kids. They are cranky and clingy.

Some days my house is a wreck. But my kids have been hugged and kissed and loved so much that lipstick stains most of their faces and neck. They go to bed freshly bathed, smelling of soap and lotion and clean cotton. They go to sleep with smiles.

Alot of days, the balance eludes me.

So here's the thing. I left the kids in the playroom yesterday. I was putting away laundry, cleaning up...well, I don't have to tell you what I was doing- you do the same things everyday.

But as I walked by the video monitor for the playroom, I was struck by what my kiddos were doing. Sitting, side by side, arms around each other, watching Toy Story 3. They were leaning into each other, utterly comfortable in each others presence. As I watched, Lily kissed Sam, and Sam pushed her away. She kissed him again anyway and he giggled.

I sat down. I watched. And I let God unfurl into my heart.

I spend so much time trying to be everything to everybody. But I can't be.

That's why God invented FAMILY.

In the absence of me, my children were loving on each other- giving each other attention. They were creating their own sense of what is important, and to them sitting together and hugging was important. Affection, love, and snuggles were important enough to create it on their own, apart from me. I have ingrained love into their little souls so much that when I am away from them, they still seek it out in each other.

I have created a family. Me. The lost one. The left behind. I've created something beyond myself.

And it is beautiful.

God has allowed me to reach into a part of myself that was not unearthed. He let me uncover it for myself and bring it to the light. This part that so many people take for granted, something many are taught from birth- the ability to be in a family. A knowing of place, to whom and what you belong. For most, it is unearthed for you simply by being among your loved one. For others like me, it has to be dug up from the ground, spoon by spoon.

It's work. And sometimes it hurts. And alot of times, it doesn't seem worth it.

But in those moments when I think I haven't got it right, and the times when guilt comes to sit with me, I can think of my babies, sitting side by side, arms around each other. I can know that that driving need to BE with somebody you love, to be affectionate and needed, is something God showed me. Knowing you can be needed and loved without fear of rejection and abandonment is life changing. God showed me that.

And because He showed me, I can show them. How awesome is that?