I am tired of being fat.
I am tired of pulling my shirt down, my pants up. I am tired of hiding myself.
I am so weary of being self concious. So, so weary.
I am tired of worrying my husband will become disgusted with me.
I am tired of worrying my kids will get teased for having a fat mom.
I am just so....tired of it all.
I am constantly wondering how fat I look. When I sit this way, do I look fatter? Am I disgusting in this swimsuit?
Why the hell do I do this to myself?
I don't have an answer. I really don't.
I broke down last night. Tears flowed over this whole struggle. I sobbed over this body I am trapped in.
And I am trapped. I feel powerless.
I feel ugly and disgusting.
And I try. God knows I do. Exercise, eat well, and the weight comes off, right?
Not for me. Never for me.
Mark says the things that hurt, but are true- "Maybe you will never be able to lose it. Maybe you can't."
And he also says "It is so hard to see you punish yourself."
I agree with him, on both counts.
This is something I have struggled with for 24 years. I have spent countless hours hating myself.
And I truly don't know why.
Am I truly this vain?
Do I truly think how I look matters this much?
Yes. And no.
I don't know.
We all have something, right?
But this something colors every interaction I make, every decision I make, everything.
I will never wear a cute sundress without being self concious.
I will never love how I look in a swimsuit.
Do I believe I have worth...yes.
Do I also believe when somebody looks at me they see laziness, gluttony?
Yes.
My body says something that is not true- that I am a weak person. I hate that.
And right now, I don't have any answers.
I want to at least be peaceful with myself.
I want to not struggle. I want to like myself.
And I do. Like myself. I like the inside. I like my heart and soul. I like mySELF. I like ME.
I just don't like the way I look.
So do I make peace with it?
And if so,how?
Can I leave it behind after this decades long struggle?
I just don't know.
