Friday, April 29, 2011

Yes, this is a rant.

I am tired of being fat.

I am tired of pulling my shirt down, my pants up. I am tired of hiding myself.

I am so weary of being self concious. So, so weary.

I am tired of worrying my husband will become disgusted with me.

I am tired of worrying my kids will get teased for having a fat mom.

I am just so....tired of it all.

I am constantly wondering how fat I look. When I sit this way, do I look fatter? Am I disgusting in this swimsuit?

Why the hell do I do this to myself?

I don't have an answer. I really don't.

I broke down last night. Tears flowed over this whole struggle. I sobbed over this body I am trapped in.

And I am trapped. I feel powerless.

I feel ugly and disgusting.

And I try. God knows I do. Exercise, eat well, and the weight comes off, right?

Not for me. Never for me.

Mark says the things that hurt, but are true- "Maybe you will never be able to lose it. Maybe you can't."

And he also says "It is so hard to see you punish yourself."

I agree with him, on both counts.

This is something I have struggled with for 24 years. I have spent countless hours hating myself.

And I truly don't know why.

Am I truly this vain?

Do I truly think how I look matters this much?

Yes. And no.

I don't know.

We all have something, right?

But this something colors every interaction I make, every decision I make, everything.

I will never wear a cute sundress without being self concious.

I will never love how I look in a swimsuit.

Do I believe I have worth...yes.

Do I also believe when somebody looks at me they see laziness, gluttony?


My body says something that is not true- that I am a weak person. I hate that.

And right now, I don't have any answers.

I want to at least be peaceful with myself.

I want to not struggle. I want to like myself.

And I do. Like myself. I like the inside. I like my heart and soul. I like mySELF. I like ME.

I just don't like the way I look.

So do I make peace with it?

And if so,how?

Can I leave it behind after this decades long struggle?

I just don't know.