Thursday, July 31, 2008

July 31,2008

Dear Mom,

Today you would have been 58. I can see in my mind's eye the grandmother I would have wanted you to be- loving, kind, running in the yard with Lily, teaching her to plant and grow things. You wouldn't have been that way, of course, but it's what I would have wanted.

There are so many things we could have shared if you had been well. If your mind was whole, your spirit giving. We could have shared the joy in my marriage to this wonderful man, the joy of my daughter, who is just becoming her own person. God, she is so funny mom. Funny, sweet, sassy. She makes me laugh and brings me to tears within seconds of each other. She loves to play, to dance, to sing, to go outside and get filthy. She is so joyful.

Joy is something I am still learning to find. I struggle everyday not to look at the dark side of things, but Lily has taught me alot about living in the moment, and not looking behind. I watch her find delight in the smallest of things, and it teaches me.

Last night we were out on the patio, and she was laughing at her popsicle melting and the drips falling onto her belly and into her bellybutton. She would point, laugh, and go back to eating, then do it all over again. What a gift, to enjoy such a simple thing with all your soul. I am enjoying it as well, because soon enough the world with it's problems will claim some of her joyful nature and rob her of it. I wish I could hold off those days, mom.

I know you see her. I know you watch over her. I also know she sees you sometimes. Not as much anymore, but I remember when she was so tiny and I'd enter her room to smell just the faintest trace of cigarettes and perfume. I knew you were there. Thank you. I know you love her, and I know you have regrets for not being able to be here.

I hope that you are at peace. I hope your life here on earth doesnt haunt you anymore. I know you were so miserable here, mom. I also know you never meant to pass that to me. The path to forgiveness is one I try to walk everyday, but it's been made much easier by Lily's arrival. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, mom. You were sick and you couldn't help it. I can't say it doesn't still hurt, but I can say that forgiveness is very near.

This is the first year that I have ever written to you without bitterness. I find that I don't have much of it left anymore. It seems to have faded and been absorbed in the greatness of my life. I can't sustain it like I used to, and I am so glad. My life is too full with the present to concentrate much on the past.

Mom, I hope you are living with a healed soul now. I hope that whatever torture your mind put you thru in this life is over, and your new life is full of joy and health. I hope you know peace and tranquility.

Watch over me, momma. Watch over Lily. Be kind to yourself in your journey now, no matter where it may be.

I love you.

PS-I remember this song Mom, and everytime I hear it, I think of you. "Let your soul and spirit fly into the Mystic". I hope your soul is flying with joy.