Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Oh. Ma. Gawd.

Picture this: a man calls to his wife from the grage- "I've got a snake out here!!!!"

The wife, being a good and loving companion, goes to the door and begins to scream in the highest pitched voice possible : "KILL IT!!!! KILL IT!!!! KILL THE DAMN THING!!!!"

Then she hears him say... "Oh my god, there are two snakes!"

At this point she screams at decibels only dogs can hear. Only then does she remember she has a daughter and beings to scream "DON'T LET IT EAT MY BABY!!!!!" Her sweet baby looks at her from the driveway and points and laughs, then sits down to enjoy the show.

Her husband yells at her again "Come and help me- I need something to kill it with!!!"

At this point she can't see him or the killer snake(s) because he is hidden by their car, so she tiptoes around it to see he is stepping on the head of one and it's body *shudder* is wrapped around her dear husband's leg.

Any other wife would help. Not this one, oh no. She quickly darts inside and beings screaming like a raving lunatic again. She screams to her baby from the doorway... "Come here! Come here right now before it eats you!!!!" The baby continues to point and laugh.

Her husband then starts laughing. This makes her not only totally irrational, but also angry.

So he points to a shelf in the garage...asks her to hand him a pair of clippers that's "right next to the snake". He means the toilet snake (a plumbing tool) but of course she doesn't know this so she screams and does the hot foot dance all the way back into the house. She begins crying and shaking for good measure.

He's serious now, and he isn't taking no for an answer. The snake is currently cutting off the blood supply to his ankle. So she quickly throws the clippers at him, grabs her poor baby by the arm, and runs like a bat outta hell into the house where she huddles on the couch like a muddled crying mess until he comes to tell her it is finished.

Turns out there WERE two snakes, and one of them was EATING the other.

I am NEVER going outside again.