Friday, July 17, 2009

Letters to my babies

Dearest Lily,

Do you know that some days I just long for you to go to bed, but the moment you are asleep, I miss you? That I tiptoe to your room, just to look at you? That I lean over to smell your special scent and kiss your soft cheek? Sometimes you wake up and see me, and smile so big, whispering "Mommy!" and then fall back to sleep with a smile still on your face. Of all the moments in this world I have experienced, the best have been with you.

I wish, wish, wish that words could cover my love for you. That I could spell it out here, in black and white, for you someday to read. That you could look and say "This is how much she loved me." But it just doesn't work that way. I can only say to you, now, that you have saved me, in every way somebody can be saved. I live to make you smile. I live to make your life better and richer and more full. I live because you are mine.

I have prayed since you were conceived that you would be joyful. That you would approach the world with arms open. That you would LOVE. And you do. You love so deep and so fully, even now. Your friends and family and anyone who sees you know what love is. It is all in your tiny little face, your spirit. I pray nothing ever breaks that loving spirit you have. I will live my whole life to guard that in you.

I don't really know how to be a mother. I have relied on instinct and trusted God to lead me. I hope when you look back one day it will be with warmth. That you will remember the hugs, the kisses, the laughing, the afternoons baking cookies and playing in the sand. I hope you will forget the times I have lost my temper or been short with you. I hope you will always know I will make times for you, and that your needs will be important to me, always.

You are 2 1/2. It doesn't seem possible. I feel like I have known you forever. I feel like you have existed, just outside of my line of sight, for my whole life. I can tell you something, my sweet girl, if I had known one day I would have such a wonderful creature as you to care for, none of the bitterness of my past would have touched me. You heal me. You make me better.

I always say to you, every night, "I love you." and you say it right back. Then I say "You complete me!" and you say "No!!!" and we laugh. But you do. Something in me that was broken healed over the moment they put you into my arms.

Thank you for being my daughter. Thank you for coming to me, for choosing me to be your mommy.

You complete me.


Dear Gummi Bear,

I've been hesitant to write to you yet. I've been nervous to get too "attached" I guess. But it's fruitless to hold back. I already love you almost beyond bearing. No amount of nerves could defeat this love. It is from the soul.

I wish I could explain to you what you mean to me, but I just can't. You are precious, and loved, and already so so special. I dream of holding you. I dream of nursing you, rocking you. I dream of the moments before dawn when it will be you and me in the rocker with the house quiet around us.

When we saw you on the sonogram, you were sure to show us that you were healthy- bouncing all over, giving the tech a hard time. You waved your little nubs, you turned over, you showed us your back. And then just when we thought we wouldn't see you, you turned fully over and faced us. Yes, we can be honest, you still look a little alien-like. But you are my alien.

So we wait for you. We love you. We pray for you and think of you every moment. You will be welcomed into our home and our family and you will be loved and treasured the whole of your life. We can't wait to see your face, little one.

Grow sweet baby, grow!


Dear Joshua,

We remember. We never forget. You are in my heart forever. You will never, ever be forgotten or lonely.

Wait for me....