Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Things nobody tells you about pregnancy

1. That at some point, you will be so constipated you will beg for someone with a stomach bug to kiss you.

2. That your body will change in ways that are frightening and disturbing enough to make you cry. For example, boobs that look normal upon going to bed but when you wake are replaced with huge knockers with burnt pancakes for nipples.

3. The pregnancy nose. It comes much faster the second time. It's wider, bigger, and bulbous.

4. Pregnancy face. People says its a glow but it's just cold sweat from the nausea and bloating from retaining every meal for the past 4 days. (see number 1)

5. Swollen girl parts. Enough said.

6. Crazy bizzare sex dreams, but no desire to have anything of the sort when awake.

7. That you can be so tired you long for Sesame Street to come on, just so you can close your eyes for 10 minutes. You then have bizzare dreams involving Mr Noodle that shame you. (see number 6)

8. You will drool. Alot. Every night. It will soak your pillow and make your husband either disgusted or amused. You will lean toward disgusted.

9. The belching. The gas. The sounds that would make a trucker blush. Again, amusing your husband.

10. That it's all, all, all worth it. And we do it again and again.