To say this is bittersweet is an understatement.
This morning we put our dog, Brooklyn, to sleep.
She was sick. She wasn't eating well. And this morning she woke up panting. Turns out her lymph nodes were so swollen she couldn't breathe.
We knew she had lymphoma. She was diagnosed in Sept of last year. But still, this was sudden and shocking.
Anyone who knows me knows I had a love/hate relationship with my dog. She was a constant whiner, a constant presence of stressed out energy. She was perpetually unhappy and rarely affectionate.
But she was a helluva protector. And she LOVED my babies. And I loved the security she gave me, and th presence she offered me.
She was fierce. She was strong. And now, within a few moments, she is gone.
Her body was worn out, and I knew it. I knew she wasn't doing well. And this morning I told Mark with a sudden and horrible certainty that I knew she wasn't going to come back from her vet's appt.
I was right. I've never wanted to be more wrong.
I want to give her a proper eulogy here. I want to say she was a happy and sweet soul. But she wasn't. She was a horrible creature, but I loved her dearly. She protected me for 8 years. She watched over my babies for 4. She slept, tucked against my growing belly through both pregnancies, and laid stone still and warm againt my back when I lost Joshua.
She aggravated the hell outta me. She tested my every reserve of patience. Sometimes I wanted to open the door and let her go. Sometimes I wanted to make her into stew.
But I always loved her.
And now that fierce soul is in heaven. I am sure she is whining at God's feet, begging him for a piece of steak or a biscuit. She is maybe scratching at the back door and looking at Him like "Ummmmmm hello, service! Don't you know how important I am??"
But I have no doubt that she is there.
And in the end, it was me who held her while she went. The one who always had such a contentious relationship with her held her sweet head and kissed her warm ears and told her over and over how much I loved her. I whispered how much I would miss her. I bathed her face in tears and let her go to God. I watched as her face fell into lines of peace, and her breath stilled. I listened as that big fierce heart trickled out.
We should all go this way- in the arms of somebody who loves us, hearing how much we will be missed and how loved we are. An easy slip into the next world, from one set of arms to another.
Dear Brooklyn,
You will be missed. (Yes, even by me.) You have already left a void so great we cannot see how it will be filled. I am carrying around your picture and crying. (Yes, me) I love you and I hope that right now you are eating steak and barking as loud as you want. I hope you are chasing the FedEX man, and that you catch him. But mostly I hope you are lying in the sunshine and the grass, looking up to the sky and breathing deeply, just like you did here at home. Tell Beau and Joshua and my mom I love them.
I will see you someday, my horrible creature.
Love,
Mom
