I am writing this on the floor of my closet.
Why?
It's a really long story.
I am sad. And lost. A humbled. And...well, mostly sad.
And it's for a stupid, vain, and ultimately nonsensical reason.
I am laying here looking at racks of clothing I have bought, hoping they would make me look like somebody else.
Somebody skinnier.
There, I said it.
I hate my body.
There, I said that.
And it's a huge, mountainous struggle.
This is MY thing. My something. My burden and my pain.
The struggle is that I KNOW that God loves me. And that I love Him, so very very much. I know He created me. I know that I live to make Him proud, and by constantly hating myself, I am crushing Him.
Not to mention how it affects my family. My relationship with Mark. With my kids.
I am hurting over something so silly and vain, and I truly hate myself for it.
But there it is.
So.
I want to put on a brave face and say to everyone- "Hey, I will get through this!!! It doesn't hurt that bad! I'm okay."
And I probably will say it. But I don't mean it.
And I want to pretend I am okay with myself ...with my big belly and legs.
But I'm not.
And I have worked damn hard to change it all. I cannot eat any less. I cannot exercise any more. I can't. I have done it all.
So, I guess what I am doing here, in my closet, is grieving.
Grieving for the girl who bought these clothes thinking they would give her confidence.
Mourning for the girl who stands in this closet most days and feels like she is carrying a boulder on her back.
Thinking of the girl that tugs at her clothes, that sucks in her stomach, that hides behind long sleeves and jeans.
For the girl who has done this for 24 years, with hope that one day it would change.
And the girl that knows, right in this moment, that it WILL NOT.
I've exhausted my options. I have prayed my heart out. I have worked and worked and worked.
And it has led to this- sobbing in my closet in my workout clothes, looking at all of my hopes hanging from clothing racks.
I will not ever lose weight.
I will not ever slim down.
But.
I can be strong.
I can be healthy.
And I can try to accept this body God created for me.
Because if I only know one thing right now, it's that God doesn't make mistakes.
And as much as I long to look how I feel- strong, agile, and healthy- I just...don't.
So, acceptance.
Trusting God.
Tomorrow will come, and I will continue to work out, eat well, and push through.
But tonight, my friends, I gotta be honest.
Tonight it's me, my closet, and my tears.
