Monday, August 11, 2008

The ocean...

Today I feel utterly alone. I am hurting, I am sad, and I am beyond my ability to make sense of my world. I am in the ocean, with no boat, no raft, no landmarks and no hope.

My father is in the hospital. Again. This time, he has a severely maggot infested wound on his leg, a possible stroke, and he is in the throes of DT's from alcohol. Infection surely riddles his body. He is in ICU...again.

How does this happen? How does a man go from where he was just a few years, to this sad sad human being? How?

I think at this point, he is trying to die. Waiting to die. Inviting death. Welcoming it like an old friend.

Just back in december, he went through a surgery that brought nearly 20 doctors together to help save him. He had a sizeable (benign) tumor growing on the inside of his heart. It was removed nearly completely, and he went home to recover. I had hope that he would see that he was saved for a reason, and try to live the rest of his life in health.

This didn't happen. Instead he went home and began to drink heavily. He got pneumonia, returned to the hospital. He went home, continued to drink and smoke. He fell/passed out and was on his floor for THREE DAYS before my sister found him. He returned to the hospital, spent nearly 2 months in a nursing home, and went home. He continued to drink, again.

And now here we are. God has made herculean efforts on my father's part, has healed him from things that SHOULD have killed him 3 times since January. These healings are absolute miracles, no question. But my father turns his head away, and again and again deserts his Savior.

I don't know why. I don't. I don't have any answers. I am lost here. My father is going to die, soon, and I don't know why.

He is going to die. Worse yet, he is forcing his children to watch him slowly kill himself. He is resigning us to this trauma. He is resigning us ALL to "what if's", to "Maybe I should have..." to "If only". He is burdening us with doubt, with pain, with anger.

And I don't know why. All I have ever done is love him, and he won't love me back enough to stay with not leave me alone with no parents on this earth.

My heart is beyond heavy, my eyes have spilled oceans.

All the time I have spent on my knees for my father was not in vain. God healed him, brought him back to is my father who defeated God's plan. God does not want him to die, this is obvious. But my father is hurtling toward death at his own pace, regardless of anything anyone has tried to do for him.

I will be left behind, again. I will be lost, again. I will not be enough to keep my father here. My face, my spirit, my love, my being is not enough to convince him to stay. My tears have no effect, my pain is nothing to him. It is my mother, all over again.

My child will never know either of her grandparents.

When people ask me where my parents live, I will have to say "They are both dead."

My in-laws will look at me with pity.

My husband will never understand.

I will carry this for the rest of my life. In the end, I simply wasn't enough to make either of my parents want to LIVE. I wasn't enough to make them give up the bottle. I wasn't enough to keep them here.

I know God sees my hurt. I know he is holding me. This is the only thing keeping me on this side of sanity.

If you are reading this, please pray for me.