Tuesday, August 19, 2008

One foot in front of the other.

All of this constant drama and angst...oy, I can't stand it.

I'm a girl, and so drama is not foreign to me, but this is beyond even my ability to make the worst out of.

My dad should be settling into his new life in a nursing home right now.

I look at that sentence and I cringe. Because in my mind, I still see that man as he was- strong, able, melting out of the Las Vegas sun after a long day in the heat.

I cannot believe what his life has come to. I mean, everybody gets older. Everybody has times when they cannot care for themselves...but when the strongest person you have ever known falls it makes a mighty sound.

My world is still vibrating.

In the past week I have had countless conversations with nurses, doctors, psychologists. I have spoken with my brothers. I have done what I can from this far away, but damnitt, it's not enough.

The whole things just sucks, hurts, and carries such weight my heart feels weighted down. But the good news is I feel a little better than I have. I feel a little lighter, a little more in control of my emotions. I am not so shut down. I don't feel miserable.

But I miss my father. I miss him, already. And although he was a shitty excuse for a parent, he is a pretty good human being. All of the drinking and addiction cannot take away from me the times he was good to me, the times we went to the park (duck attacks aside), the times he cared for me when I was sick. It can't take away the small moments my heart holds to. And if I piece these together, I can somewhat cover up the other things. I can focus on more than my disappointment and hurt.

So here's where I choose to place my eyes- where I can see the good. Where I can see my father, the man, flawed and frozen, but still human. Human, and thus worthy of my kindness, my forgiveness, my love. Human, and thus God's creation. Just as I am. If I want to be worthy of forgiveness, I must forgive. It is a simple equation in words, but it is complicated in action. Complicated, but entirely worthy deliberate pursuit.

Despite all, I love him. And love is blind, love forgives, love carries, and love goes forward.

So here I am, in my new reality. I am stepping forward and going on. With every step, I am closer to my father, both earthly and in heaven.

If this walk isn't worth completing, what is?

Thanks for walking this path with me, step by step.