Monday, October 20, 2008

He's out there, somewhere....

This post is going to sound so weird. I am hesitant even to write it down because I am afraid nobody will understand it, but here goes.

I'm not hiding the fact that I want another baby. That it is on my mind alot. That I feel like our family isn't complete yet. Anyone who knows me knows more kids are in my future.

What I do not say is the feeling I sometimes get, when it is just Mark, Lily and I....and I feel a frantic panic that somebody is missing. It is fleeting, and random, but it happens more often than I would like.

What I also do not say is that not only do I feel somebody is missing, but I feel this child's soul, waiting to be conceived and born. I feel him and dream of him often. I think of him daily. It is bizarre and strange, yes, but I am wondering if maybe some of the other mommies reading this feel this too.

I know I felt it with Lily. I wanted her so badly, and when we finally found we were pregnant, I was thrilled. I also felt her spirit so strongly in the months before she was born. All of the times I lay and put my hand over my belly I felt her speaking to me in her own way. When she was born her face was as familiar to me as my own. It was surreal. It was as if she had always existed with me, in my heart and soul...but now I got to hold her.

So is this how you know you are ready for another child? When your soul longs so deeply for this other person that it brings tears to your eyes? When it is deeper than an idea, deeper than a possibility- and more into the realm of a great sweeping need? I can't imagine feeling this feeling any stronger than right now. My heart hurts in a beautiful way, my throat is tight, my eyes filled with tears. It is such a pure, good, clean feeling that it takes my breath away.

I know this little one is waiting for the right time. I know God is holding him safe for me until our family, my body and his soul are ready. But until I feel him in my womb and know he is here, he is mine, and he is safe, I don't think I will ever shake this feeling of missing him and needing him.

Is that just crazy? Probably. But it is what it is, and I am learning that the more I say about what I feel, the more I find I am not alone in my feelings.