Saturday, January 31, 2009


Mark and I have had many gut wrenching and agonizing tear filled discussions since last sunday. Last night I began weeping. Mark came to me and held me. I finally got the courage to look at him and ask him why he thought this happened to us.

After nearly and hour of crying together, we realized many things. Most are too personal to reveal here, and some are his to tell, not mine. But the biggest is the realization that we have not been humble. We have not been humble to each other. We have not been humble in the world.


For Mark, it was another source of financial drain. I don't mean that to be as cold as it sounds. Mark is, above all things, a tremendous provider. He was worried about finances. For a man, joy in the child begins at birth. Bonding begins when he can see the child, hold it, and care for it. Mark was worried about the practicalities.

As for me, getting pregnant was something to get out of the way. It was something we decided on and worked at, and here it was, done! Check it off the to do list. I also thought that because I had "paid my dues" in pain and heartache in my life, my babies would be sacred and untouchable. I was wrong.

Neither one of us was looking at this as the blessing it was. A blessing from God. Sure, of course we saw it in that light at times. But we didn't fully focus on that as we should have. We weren't humbled, brought to our knees at the thought of carrying a child of God through this world.

Please don't mistake me. I am not saying that this is why we lost our baby. But if we have learned anything from this, it is that creating and accepting humbly God's will for our lives is essential. It is not OUR lives, anyway. It is His. We are along for the ride. This was a lesson we needed, badly.

Of all the things I know, it is this- if God chooses to grant us life again, we will marvel, sing for joy, pray, and devote ourselves to every second of life this child has. Whether it is carried through to life on earth or goes to heaven early, we will have joy in every single moment.

Life is not promised to us. A journey free from pain is not promised. All that is promised, dear friends, is that when the worst happens, God is there. He weeps with us. He gives us comfort. And He never leaves, even when others do.

For now, I am simply trying to kneel at the foot of my Father and accept this. I am trying to learn what this can teach me. I am humbling myself like I have never before. I am giving up control of my life, again, to the One. I am seeking comfort. I am praying for guidance. At times, I believe I am finding it. At times I am sure I am an inch away from losing all will to go on.

Baby J has taught me so much more than I would ever have learned had he not spent his too short time in my womb. I have learned that God has placed people in my life so that I could serve them. In return, in moments like this, I am supported. But servitude is in my soul, and I intend to serve faithfully all of the rest of my days.

I have learned that my husband is so much more than just somebody to go through life with. He is my divine companion, directly placed by God's hand into my life. This could have torn us apart. Instead, we are closer than I ever thought possible.

Mostly I have learned that every second of life is precious. I am trying to be kind to my body. I am trying to love my ability to concieve and carry not matter for how short a time it is.

And the best and most wonderful blessing of all is remembering every second of everyday just how precious my sweet Lily is, how tenuous her hold in this world was when she rested in my body, and how she and I and our mighty Savior fought the world together so she could live.

Every day, every second, every moment. Treasure it. Live it. And give thanks.


Sweet baby J,

We love you. We miss you. I dream of your sweet downy head and your face, of cradling you. My body aches to have you back.

Thank you for the lesson. We will never, ever forget you my love.

Rest well, be peaceful,and someday....