Monday, January 19, 2009

Ramble on...

So, I realized today I don't have any urge to blog. So, what do I do... get on here and blog about not wanting to blog, naturally.

I think I have what alot of first trimester mommies have- the apathetic I feel like sludge blues. I'm throwing up or feel like throwing up all the time, and I am dead tired. Lily certainly did not do this to me.

But you know what? It's easier this time. Because all I have to do is look at her sweet face, and I know just what it is I am suffering for. And I will not complain because I am blessed enough to carry life. I am blessed...even when I am hurling. I am blessed.

Anyway, I think I may have taken on a few too many physical challenges at this stage in my pregnancy- the 5K, the 10,000 steps challenge, plus my daily SS. But I can do only what I can do, and no more. I'm going to push myself, but I am also going to listen to my body. I just wish it didn't feel like I was moving through quicksand all the time. Even my thinking is muddled. Well, more muddled than usual.

It's crazy to think that this time next year I will be the mother of 2. I'm terrified, actually. You know what scares me the worst? The thought of being up all night again. Sitting up, nursing and crying...wondering if I was the only one in the world awake. I know now that just a few miles away, my friends were awake with their babies too, and at the same time we were moving in concentric circles...feed, sleep, wake. Feed, sleep, wake. But boy was it lonely.

I know I will be a good mother. I know that I will love and care for my babies and they will never doubt my love for them. But how will I keep myself for myself at the same time? How will I not lose myself in the nursing, the neediness, the feeding and washing and crying? How will I stay...well, me?

Maybe this is why I can't sleep, eh?

Ah well, off to a warm bath and tea. Another day down, hundreds more to go.

Sleep well.