Thursday, January 29, 2009

Waiting for the rainbow

Love is a mighty force. Love and prayer even mightier.

I have been overwhelmed with both in the past few days.

There have been phone calls and visits and dinners and brownies and flowers. There has been moments where I thought I would not make it even another second and hope floods me like the tide and I KNOW I am being uplifted. My friends have been on their knees for me. They have been calling out my name to God.

How can I ever ever thank you enough? You have held me and my family in your hearts and taken my name to God. You have shed tears for me. You have shown me that I was loved, and I feel it and am soaking every single bit up. I need your comfort like I need breath right now. I want to say thank you with all that I am.

The days since I lost the baby have been gray and stormy. They have reflected what has been going on in my mind and soul. But today I woke from an afternoon nap feeling a little different. I looked outside and I can see just a bit of sun on the horizon.

I realized I'm tired of the rain. I'm waiting for the rainbow.

Mark and I have talked extensively in the past days. He has urged me to trust God, and to trust my body to know when something is wrong. My body is wise. My body is healthy and strong. My God is sovreign. My God is loving. I must trust both.

This baby was not meant to draw breath on this earth. It was not meant to live.

Oh that hurts to write. Hurts hurts hurts. But I know it to have the ring of truth. I know it is true.

My child will never nurse from my body. My child will never swing or play with Lily or have time out or eat ice cream. But my child lives. My child lives in heaven. And this loss has so much to teach me. I just have to listen.

I have learned that I need my friends and loved ones. I cannot go through this world alone anymore. I need.

I have learned that I love and admire my husband so much more than I ever thought I could. He is so patient, so wise, and so giving. I will never ever take him for granted again. He is my heart.

I have learned that people are insensitive. People are unkind. There are those who have already told me to move on. But they don't understand. And I pray they never do.

I have learned, above all, that being a mother is what I am in my soul. I was born for this. I was born to love my children. I am a mother, through and through. God created me to nurture, but he never promised me it would be easy. And He never promised me I wouldn't have losses.

This has taught me that my need for God is a strong as my need for water or air. I cannot exist anymore on what my own mind has to offer- I need strenngth and wisdom from my God. I need comfort only He can give. And I need to trust Him.

So yes, my loss is tremendous. Along with the loss of my baby I have lost a whole set of dreams I had for him. I have lost the picture in my mind of what my family will look like. But I have gained so much as well.

Thank you for your prayers, your love, and your words. You are part of my rainbow.