Monday, January 26, 2009

I am lost here, in my own home.

Things that I see everyday look foreign. The sound of my husband's voice is like a strangers. My daughters face is different.

I am grieving, and hurting, and lost.

Today we went to the ob. She examined me, and told me what I already knew from my ER visit yesterday- that my body was miscarrying my precious baby. She told me my body was doing a beautiful job naturally, on it's own. I can safely say this is one area where I had not planned to excell.

The nurse told me brightly on the way out "Now you get to go home and lay on the couch all day!!!"

Yes, and bleed and be in pain while I mourn. Bonus.

When I came home I passed the remains of the baby. I asked Mark to bury it under the statue of St Mary in our backyard. I watched from the window in the kitchen while he did something for me out of love. He understands better than I thought he would that this child was just as real to me as Lily is.

I've had losses before, but not like this. Not with the pain, the bleeding, the passing of what can only be known as tissue from the pregnancy. It is horriffic and sacred, all at the same time. It is lonely, about as lonely as it can ever get. I long for people around me, but I know I will only sit and stare into space like I have been all day.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to act. I don't know where to begin.

In the midst of all of this, there is God. I can mourn and grieve and at the same time still trust. And I do. I don't understand, but I trust.

I There's no way to finish that sentence. Do I wish the baby was still here? I don't know. I have to trust my body's wisdom in knowing when something isn't right. But this hurts. Physically I am a wreck. Mentally more so. Spiritually wounded.

To say I could use your prayers is an understatement. I need everything you can give me right now. I'm used to going things alone, but this time I need more than my own mind and spirit can give me.

Please say a prayer for my baby, for my family. For my strength.