Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I don't know where to begin.

I thought I was well aquainted with pain. I was wrong.

This is what real pain is. This is real grienf. This is mourning.

All that was before is nothing. All that pain I thought I went through is a drop in the bucket.

My baby is gone. He never got a chance to live. I knew of him for only a few weeks, but it was enough.

He let me know of his passing with blood and pain. This has not been an easy letting go of life. It has been bloody and brutal and unkind. There is no doubt that this is a death.

I cannot eat. I cannot nourish the body that let my baby die.

I cannot sleep because of the physical pain. Prescription painkillers do not even put a dent in it.

I sit and look out the window at where we buried the remains. I lose 20 minutes, an hour.

I am a mess. And it is exactly as it should be.

Never ever in my life have I allowed myself to pour my emotions out like this. I am honest, I am brutally honest when I talk about it. Right now anyone reading this is cringing, wondering if I am okay.

Yes, and no. All of my dreams of the family I wanted are gone. I will not have any more children. I can't take a chance on this happening again. I have to make peace with that.

I will always look around the dinner table and feel somebody is missing. But my chance has come and gone. I have my daughter. I have my miracle. That will have to be enough.

I love God, but right now, I don't like Him very much. He gives and takes. In this case he allowed my baby to be taken after it had time to implant, time to have a heartbeat, time to draw nourishment from me.

But I know God is not intimidated by my anger or disappointment. He lost a son too. He has walked this path. He knows my thoughts. He knows that even though I am angry and disappointed, I still need Him. I still seek Him. And I still love Him.

So here I am, mired in something millions of other women have gone through. But feeling utterly alone. There is nothing anyone can say. There is nothing anyone can do. This is a death. Death is consuming. Death of an unborn child is so contrary to nature that most mothers cannot even bear to think of it or talk about it, whether they have experienced it or not.

So where do I go from here? What do I do now?

I don't know. I have no answers. This is something I have to pull myself out of. This is something I cannot escape. I have to walk it. I cannot medicate it, I cannot ignore it. I have to walk it. I have a living child I have to make a way through this world for. I can only stay mired for so long.

I need your prayers. I need your voice. Please don't ignore this. Talk to me. I am alone here. I need company. I need you to cry with me. I need you to acknowledge my loss. It was early pregnancy yes, but it was my BABY.

Thank you for listening, friends. I love you.