Wednesday, March 18, 2009



I am here, right where you want me. I am at the end of myself. I know that is the best place to see the beginning of You, so here I am.

I have sought the entirety of myself, Lord. I have traveled the valley of my own soul. I have gone to great lengths to prove just how tough I am, how self sufficient. I have depended on no one, not even you.

And that has left me here, alone. Aching. I have not trusted you with the depths of my soul. I have been so afraid of what you would find there. That you would turn your back. That you would walk away.

So I have said the right words when I prayed. I have told you again and again that I love you. But I have not said what truly mattered God.

I am lost without you. I am careening without you. I am uterrly beyond myself, out in depths I cannot hope to survive.

So here it is, Lord. Here I am unvarnished.

I am angry. I am impatient. I am bitter. I am all the things I cannot stand in others, Lord. I hide it, but it is there, revealed to you for the first time.

I am a motherless child. I have lost my baby. I have no father to speak of. All of this makes me sad and disgusted and deeply disappointed.

But I am also you child. You said you would love me as I am, meet me where I am. I am asking you now to do just that. Meet me here, in the midst of my anger and pain. Come for me. Save me from myself. Save me from my own words and deeds that have more to do with my disappointment that with WHO I AM.

I cannot live half a life with you anymore lord. It is all or nothing now. It is all of me, offered up to you. Ugliness in ubandance. Sin after sin. Sadness and bitterness. Hopelessness. I lay it all before you, along with all of my joy and praise for your blessings.

Will you be the first Lord? Will you be the first to take it all up and accept it? Will you be the first to never walk away?

I cannot live anymore just trying to please you instead of burden you. I can't stop myself from showing you my brokeness any longer. I am broken. I am disappointed.

But I need you and all that you can give to me. I need to live each day for you, God. It's all I know how to do. So please, break me of my pride. Take the wall down, Lord. Seek out anything that seperates me from you and show me that I need to get rid of it. Seek out anything in me that is displeasing and help me overcome it.

Lord, I am depleted. I am thirsty. I am in the desert. Come, lead me out.