Monday, March 16, 2009

That old longing..

It seems everyone around me is getting pregnant. In just the past two days two women I know have announced their pregnancies. And while I am happy for them (really, I am) my heart cannot help but plummet.

He would have been kicking me by now. I would have been showing. I would have been past the worst of the sickness. I would have seen his heartbeat.

Instead my body is empty. No kicking, no sickness. Just me.

Sometimes I feel so sad I cannot breathe. This is one of those times.

I cannot explain how I long. I can't put into words any of it. It sits like a rock in my chest. My throat catches, my eyes fill. The sadness bends me, but I will not break.

I love him still. I always will. I won't forget his spirit, the one I called to over and over. The one I begged to come to us. The one who did, for such a short time.

There is a purpose to my pain. There is a plan for me. It is my job to actively look for answers to why this has happened. I have to let it teach me.

But sometimes, I'll be honest, it just seems damn unfair.

I miss you, Joshua. Even though my body doesn't carry you, my mind and heart do. My soul calls to yours, just like it did before your conception. I will know you, forever, and I will never forget.