Wednesday, April 8, 2009


It is not a group I want to be part of. It is not a sisterhood I want to participate in. At all. But I am here, in it.

I am part of the sisterhood of mothers who have lost children.

I have been struggling mightily with guilt over still feeling so sad. I knew of my baby for only a few short weeks. I feel guilt, like somehow it didn't matter because it was so early. I feel everybody is looking at me and expecting me to be done with it. And I am so far from being done. So so far.

I believe I will be done when I close my own eyes for the last time. Only then. Only then.

So many women have lost babies. So so many. I find out more and more each day. Women I would never have known of, who don't speak of or wear their loss.

This goes to show you that the old adage of being kind because everyone you know is fighting some sort of battle is so true.

And this is a battle on every front- spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. It affects the marraige. It affects your relationship with God. It's encompassing.

But through all of this, some beautiful things have emerged. I feel so much more connected with women in general. Motherhood is the first secret society I was ushered in to...this, the second. They are both so sacred, so profound, and so beautiful. They both can add such depth to the soul.

Today I raged at my husband. I raged, I screamed. I asked him why others get to keep their babies and I don't. I raised my voice to heaven and cried out to God. I sat quietly and listened to worship music while I planted flowers. I cleaned the house and cried silent tears while I vacuumed. I spoke to my sweet sweet boy.

And all of it, all of it, was sacred. All of it was necessary. All of it was cleansing.

I could go on and on about how the sadness rises up and bites and tears at me. I could write pages and pages on how my heart lies heavy in my chest and my eyes fill. I could tell you about how many times a day I ask God for peace.

I realized today how I have wronged so many women I know and love. How I shouted from the rooftops about my pregnancy. How I didn't take feelings of longing and sadness into account. I can say all of that now because I am seeing through new eyes. I am seeing through the lens of loss and pain.

I am interconnected with all women who have lost. I am connected with mothers who sit with empty wombs. I feel the pain of the empty cradle, the empty spot at the table. I feel the loss of life in my soul and body. Some days, it passes me by and I am okay. Other days are like this one- painful. Everything is a reminder. Everything is out of reach.

But through it all, I have my husband. I have my baby girl. I have my friends. And I have my God.

And, when there are days like this I have scriptures that fill me up and make me beleive that tomorrow will be better.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13