Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I feel misunderstood.

I feel wasted.

I feel as if I will never get past this sadness. Will I never feel myself again?

Loss has been a part of my life all my life. I've gotten to be very adept at bouncing back.

But this is just beyond me. Everywhere I turn there are reminders. Damnitt. I hurt and there's no outlet. Nobody feels this like I do. It's only me.

I will be the only one who remembers him.

On one hand, I feel like I should be over this by now. Past it. I feel like everyone is looking at me and expecting me to be the same person I was, but I'm not. Sure, I am happy alot of the times. I am distracted. I am busy.

But when the sadness hits, it is a mighty wave. Mighty and strong, and it pulls me under.

I don't want him to mean nothing. When people ask me if Lily is my only child- what do I say? We've had losses before, Mark and I...but never this late in the pregnancy. Never to the point that I would pass my child from my body and see it for what it was. I don't want him to be anyone's afterthought.

In the real world, life goes on. People forget the loss. That's expected. It's normal.

But they expect ME to get past it too. And I can't. Not yet.

Our vacation was fun. We laughed, we ate, we rode a thousand rides and walked a thousand miles. But he was always there, in the back of my mind. On the first day we let Lily pick out a stuffed animal.

Guess who she picked?

Roo. Sweet little baby boy Roo. In his little blue sweater. He went with us everywhere, she slept with him, took naps with him. Had she ever shown interest in him before- no. In some small way, I knew it was Joshua, letting me know he was there.

I'm all over the place here, I know. My mind is heavy with thoughts, my throat choked with tears. I long, I yearn. I miss, I grieve.

But I also KNOW I am being held. I feel it, even as I feel sadness and envy and mourning. My pain has purpose, it is molding me and remaking me into a better woman, and a better Christian. Pain is a great redeemer, suffering a teacher. But in the end, when I close my eyes the last time, I know I will find my boy. And he will be...he will be all I am longing for. I will know his face and his soul and his heart. I will sit with him. I will touch his hands and his hair. And I will spend eternity with him.

This life, after all, is momentary. Heaven, infinite.

Psalm 84

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools. [b]

7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.

9 Look upon our shield, [c] O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Come Father...be near.