I am utterly convinced that when we believe God is not listening, we are totally WRONG. I've been there. I've been at my wits end and felt alone and cried out to God and felt...nothing. Nada. No response. It's made me angry and disillusioned many times. But I've realized something today. Something pretty profound. Yes, I know, I know. It's gonna take me at least 3 praragraphs to get to it, cause that's just how I am. Get some coffee will ya? I'll wait.
Oh good, you are back. Let's see....
I've had alot of prayer time that involved my family. I've prayed for God to change them. I've prayed for God to change me to understand them. I've prayed for God to give me premission to cut ties. He has been very very silent on the subject, something that has, well, annoyed me. I just want answers. I want to know what to do. He's not willing to give them.
Until this morning, that is.
I was reading the beginning of Beth Moore's book "Breaking Free". I've never read her books, but I was drawn to this one, for reasons I now understand. You see, I have been desperatley hanging on to a "poor me" attitude. I may not always show it, but I pity myself for the family I have. And worse yet, I use it as an excuse to hold people at arm's length. I use it as an excuse to be angry and to have a mediocre walk with God. I use it as an excuse not to trust.
I've been struggling with this alot. Trusting is not my forte. Not even trusting God. Ouch. That hurts to write. Truth hurts.
So anyway, back to the Beth Moore book and my family. (I promise this will make sense in a minute...maybe) The book begins with Isaiah 61:1-4.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Yeah, I know you just skimmed it. So go back and really read it. I'll wait.
Wow, right? "To whom much is given, much is expected" takes on a whole new meaning, huh?
Because we are believers, we are called on to do all of these things. We are to take our joy and hope to the world, and live it out.
But this scripture spoke to me on an even deeper level.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
That was an arrow right to my heart, my friends. My family has been decimated by drink. By anger. By unspoken words and disappointment. By lack of care. My father is ruined, my realtionship with my siblings almost non existant. I havent spoken to any of my extended family in years. I've never spent more than 10 minutes with my maternal grandmother. On both sides, for generations, there has been addiction, anger, violence.
God knew all this would happen. AND HE SET ME RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF IT FOR A REASON.
Because I am a believer.
I have never prayed what I did this morning, kneeling on my bedroom floor in tears.
"Lord, if you have sent me into my family to restore it, I WILL. I will do what you ask of me. I don't know how, but I will do it. Because I love you and I want to be obedient to you."
Talk about opening a can of worms, huh? How is one person supposed to "rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated"? I don't know.
But He does.
Am I foolish enough to think I can do this on my own- heck no. Am I going to get my hopes up that my family will all be together soon singing "Kumbaya"? Nope. But I'm stepping out into trust. I'm stepping out and taking the hand of the One who has been so utterly faithful to me.
Because with Him, I cannot fail. I may never see my ruined family made whole again in my lifetime, but I may plant a seed. I may speak a word. I may be a catalyst.
And that is enough for me.
Thank you God, for the ruined city, and the faith to restore it.
