Thursday, February 12, 2009

Baby J

When I found out I was pregnant this last time, I had a vision in my mind about what Lily's party would be like. I would watch her play with her friends and smile while my second child grew inside of me. I would celebrate life while creating life. It would be wonderful and fufilling.

Instead I am planning my daughter's birthday party with an empty womb. I am sad. I am disappointed, but I accept.

Gods ways are not our ways.

In some ways, losing J was a blessing. Would I do anything to have him back- oh yes. Anything, anything. But the loss was a huge turning point in my relationship with my husband. We realized many many things about ourselves and our lives. We have made huge changes. We have become different people.

If we decide to try for another child, we will be better parents and better role models because of our loss. We will cherish more, spend more time in the moment, pray more, love more, and give more.

In the days after the loss I was suprised every morning when I woke up and the world had kept turning. People went on with their lives. The mail came, the dog barked, the sun went down. I went to the grocery store, got gas, ran errands. And everywhere I go people would look at me and not know that my life had just been devastated.

This led me to be kinder to anyone and everyone. Because you never, ever know what someone has been through. You don't know their battles. You don't know how they hurt. Your smile could be the only one they see all day. Imagine that. You could be the only kindness to touch their lives.

I have lost what I thought my family would look like. I have lost my child and all my dreams for him. But through that, I gained perspective I never would have had.

He continues to touch me and teach me, even past my empty womb. He is still here.