Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I havent written in a little while, and I don't really know why. We've had a big week, with Lily's birthday and family in town, but I have also felt very off. Very distant from everyone and everything.

I was watching the kiddos run around Lily's party, and while half of my heart was putting on a brave face and celebrating, the other half was so so sad. I miss my baby. My body feels empty and wrong. I feel like my soul no longer fits in my skin. I feel at times like I hate my body for letting my child die, and times I am grateful for it's ability to be wise even when I am not.

I am by turns sad, grief stricken, angry and then sad again. Then there are times that I don't think of the miscarraige at all.

I don't know what to do with all of these feelings. They are so much bigger than myself.

Somebody commented on my blog after I wrote of losing the baby that miscarraige is a "common disaster". I thought that was so profound. Everyone, from the nurses at the OB, to my girlfriends, to family memebers have experienced this. It IS common. But it is also disastrous to your mind and spirit. I have gone through many things in my life, but holding my own baby after it passed from my body and then watching as my husband buried it was enough to utterly wreck me.

I've had a few people say things such as "It wasn't really a baby yet." And "Well at least it was early on." I know these are well meaning comments but they are totally defeating to me. I know for myself that I loved my child before he was even concieved. I cared for him, prayed for him, felt his spirit. I spoke to him and asked him to join us. I prayed to God to keep his tiny soul safe until he could be placed in my body.

He came and went in just a few weeks, but I loved him every second. I still do. I always will.

In the midst of all this, there is real life that must go on. There are gorceries to be shopped for, meals to cook, laundry to do. There is my sweet Lily who must be loved and tended to. I feel divided between my living child and the one that has passed. I know who needs me more...but sometimes I just want to fall apart.

Lily's second birthday will always be bittersweet for me. For what should have been, for my ideas of watching her play while her sibling grew inside of me. I don't know what is to come- I don't know if I will ever have the chance again to carry life. I don't know if I want to.

Today I am sad and a little lost. Tomorrow will probably be different. Eeach day comes with it's own worries. It's up to me to simply put one foot in front of the other.