Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I think it's serious

My child is suffering from a disorder.

One that makes her prone to bratty behavior, unplanned outbursts, fits that include throwing objects and screaming, and in general the ordering around of her most important entourage. Ahem, that would be me, an entourage of one.

If she was a rockstar, this is what her rider would look like:

Madam Lily requires warmed milk with just a hint of sweetness...but it cannot be sugar, oh no! Madame is watching her figure. It's Nestle's Quick she must have. She will call this "mocka mik". Learn it. Know it. Don't screw it up.

Madame also requires her bidding to be done NOW. If she wants her princess shoes, you must find them NOW. If she wants "appa duce", you must find some right away. And always, always ask her what kind of cup she wants or all hell will break loose.

Madame requires her pillow, her woobie, her baby doll and american girl doll and also a toy dollar store sheep in her bed. You must also ask her repeatedly what blanket she wishes- owls or apples? After she lays down, you must pat her butt appx 300,000 times before you tiptoe from the room. If you stub your toe on the way out, simply drop to the floor and stifle your screams with your hands until you can army crawl out.

Never, ever, tell madame she cannot have candy. You will need a nuclear detonator to diffuse the situation.

Madame must have her apples peeled, her oranges unpeeled, her strawberries diced and her grapes halved. She will, however, eat an entire can of disgusting syrupy peaches with no problem.

Madame will insist on eating 2 cheese sticks at once. Then she will not poop for 4 days. This will make her very very cranky. Hide the cheese sticks. Trust me.

Madame will not tolerate water over her head during the bath, however, she must be clean. So you will have to wrestle her like some WWF oiled up hunk to get her hair washed. You will be dripping and yelling, she will be squirming and screaming. This will happen EVERY NIGHT. Accept it.

Yes, that's my Lily in a nutshell. She suffers from the same disorder I have been battling my entire life- DIVAITIS. Unfortunately, I never had anyone to wait on me hand and foot.

But Madame, however... Has a poor sucker known as...mama.

This is her when she woke from nap today. Is she sick? Feverish? Hanging onto life by a thread?

No. She woke up grumpy and insisted that she have cold juice, cookies, the footrest up (why? I don't know, her feet don't reach it. I am simply the humble servant) and a blanket. Oh, and I had to wedge the blanket so that she could lounge backward. Because what two year old doesnt need a Barcalounger and a butler?

Yeah, so that's what we got going on over here. But I can say, she comes by it honestly...

From her daddy!