Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Words cannot express how much I love my daughter. Today was an immensely blessed and GOOD day...full of laughter and joy. We played, we snacked, we went to the park and out to dinner. Just she and I.

I am realizing more and more just how compassionate my child is. Today she met a new friend at the park, and she took her hand and walked with her. She didn't want to let her go, but simply held her hand and kept saying her name "Ella, Ella". I was so proud of her immensely kind heart.

She has compassion. She has joy. She had tenderness. She opens her arms to the world without fear.

I look at her and wonder who she will become- what will she be? She won't be saddled with the same past I how far will she go as a human being? She won't have to put up walls to keep people out. She will always have a safe place to fall. How wonderful for her to have it, and for me to get to witness it.

Beauty from ashes, indeed.

She is innately kind, and possesses such a good strong soul, already. I watch her and think to myself that if anyone were to damage that sweet soul in any way I would come unglued. I can keep her safe for now...but what about later? She will grow...she will go to school. She may be bullied or picked on. She will be wounded. And I will have to watch.

Motherhood is the sweetest, heaviest, burden a woman can carry. I never understood that until the moment my child was born. She looked up at me and that was it. I was lost to her. I could never hurt her. I wouldn't know how.

All of this leads me down roads I don't like to travel. Thinking about the past is futile...I know this. But there are times when I look at my sweet baby and know that I was that small...that good...that loving. But instead of being treasured, I was cast aside.

I know that one day I will have answers to my questions. I know one day I will approach my God and ask him all of the things I can't understand here. One day I will kneel before him and weep when he hands me my sweet lost baby.

Until that time, though, I will watch my baby girl grow. I will hold her and kiss her and tell her every chance I get of how much I love her. I will stop the world if she ever tells me she needs me. I will hold her hand. I will bathe her and snuggle her. I will cherish her.

And in so doing, I will heal my own wounds.